Eats, shoots and Leaves

A picture of a panda shooting a gun is a good picture. Also, I like bad science fiction. So I wrote the following story. Both are based on Folsom Prison Blues.

Vengeance on a Foreign Sun: The Red Giant
By Nate Krasner
Kobach the space cossack was sitting in a bar on Reno VII, the seventh moon of Reno, the fourth planet orbiting the star Nesur Secundus. His fingers tapped impatiently on the photon vinyl covering of his table. He was impatient, because he was waiting for Mike, the man who had ruined his honor five cycles ago.
For space cossacks, honor is the first thing, and it is the duty of the eldest son to protect this honor. Kobach was the eldest son of his family, and his father had not spoken to him since that fateful day, five cycles ago. Against his better judgement, Kobach's father had let his eldest daughter attend an Tri-D Neutron show, near the Rostov Nebula, in Internstellar Russian Union controlled space. That night Kobach had caught Mike and his sister Sascha, in the back seat of Ricks air-convertible. Laser beams raked the back of Mike's air-converitble as Mike pushed Sascha out and sped away. Kobach continued fire his Laser baton as Sascha wept on the docking platform.
From that day forward Kobach's life had been dedicated to one thing: The destruction of the space captain Mike. If you travel the space lanes for even a short time, you will surely hear the old story of the Boogalab-Sshah and the space cossacks sister.
The Boogalab-Sshah was the leader of the Manka3, a medium sized space cult. The Boogalab Sshah met a beautiful dark haired girl named Svetlana, and took her as his concubine. This so enraged the space cossacks (who were her family) that they waged a nine cycle campaign of genocide on the cult. Even the slightest rumor of Manka3ism was enough to bring a deadly rain of laser baton fire, and scorching death hoops. To this day, Manka3 is only practiced in the dark back rooms of hidden city's, for the laser baton of the Space Cossack reaches far outside the Interstellar Russian Union.
Mike had failed to follow this ancient wisdom, and from that day, five cycles ago, he had been pursued like the sun, by Kobach, who was like Scinfaxi or Hrimfaxi, the ancient viking wolves, even though he was cossack, not viking. So across twelve systems Kobach had pursued Mike, until all his leads led to Reno VII and a final confrontation with Mike. Kobach would have his revenge.
Mike walked through the swinging doors of the saloon Kobach was sitting in. Kobach stood up so hard his chair fell on the ground BANG! and everyone turned to look at him except Mike who was really cool about it and just walked up to the bar.
"Mike! I am Findink you now! Turns to face, your dess" Kobach said through his space cossack accent.
"Kobach, you old space cossack, hows that sister of yours?"Mike asked while sliding his hand towards his Mega-Pulse-Pistol.
"Mike you are tryink to bes funny man, but your funny man will helpz you no more than that Mega- Pulse-Pistolz!" Kobach said while shooting the Pistol away with his Laser baton. Mike dove over the bar as Kobach kept firing and hot laser smashed into the toad faced bartender. Mike came back up over the bar with the bartenders plama-axe. Kobach ducked behind an upturned table to avoid the burning plamsa,
"Mike! I will be smazhing your charmingz head for this and for the honor of my familyz you mandovoshka!" Kobach said while firing lasers blindly over the table. All of a sudden Mike tackled him so hard that they both flew out the door into the street.
"Not today you won't you space cossack bastard!" Mike said as he tried to cut Kobach with his laser razors! Little did Mike know that Kobach was an expert at the extraterrestrial martial art of Devouring Neutron Star. Kobach easily batted away Mike's laser razors and threw him across the street. Mike rushed towards his fallen mega-pulse-pistol. Kobach also rushed towards it.
"You are wishink for that Mike!" Kobach said as he dove on top of Mike. They Kicked each other and elbowed each other in the ribs. Mike's fingers were inches away from the pistol. Then Kobach slammed Mike in the side of the head with his ham sized fist and snatched away the pistol. BANG BANG BANG!! The gun discharged three times leaving three smoking holes in Mike. Kobach stood up and looked at Mike as he made his last sound, a choking gurgling sound. Right then the Public Order drones floated up to arrest Kobach.
While Kobach was sitting in the triskelion on Delta Folsom, he thought back to that day.
"If I know one thing in life," he said "It is that it was worth this, just to watch him die," He said, as he watched another space freighter roll by on the space lanes.